What are you thinking about? she asked.
I wasn’t thinking about anything, he responded.
Liar! You are a goddamned liar Raven. You can’t just turn your mind off. We are always thinking! It is a human condition! Why are you afraid of telling me what’s on your mind? I can see it in your eyes. You are worried about something. Don’t be worried. Talk to me. I want to listen to your problems. That is what partners do right? Raven? Are you listening to me? Raven! Good god, it is like talking to a fucking wall. I should leave your ass before you leave me. You don’t care about me, about us. Is this all a joke to you?
Jesus Jessica, calm down! You always do that. You jump to conclusions. I don’t know what I was thinking about. I don’t think I was even thinking! For crying out loud! I was day dreaming, dreaming about getting out of this town, about turning over a new leaf, starting fresh. I was dreaming about getting a better job, one that doesn’t kill my back and leave my whole body hurting. I have lots of thoughts Jessi, I can’t just reach out and grab one for you to examine the second you think to ask me to. They leave just as quickly as they appear.
Don’t you leave me Raven.
I’m not going to leave you and I don’t want to argue with you Jessi. I don’t want to argue about what was or wasn’t going on inside my mind. I just want to sit here, silently. I want to relax. I’ve had a long day. It was hotter than hell out there and now I am here, with you, and all I want to do is enjoy my cold beer in silence. Is that too much to ask of you?
Raven was accustomed to Jessi’s overreactions by now. They had been married for well over a decade. He had always been faithful to her, had never even given her the reason to suspect him of infidelity, and still, she allowed jealousy and insecurity to get the best of her. She was afraid of losing him. Her father had been addicted to heroine and her mother wasn’t much of a mother at all. Raven was all she had. He was the only person she could depend on and they both knew that.
After a long silence, Raven spoke. I don’t know what to do or say to make you see. I am not big on words. When you have actions, words are dull. But the blind have a hard time seeing the actions of others and while your vision is perfect, you aren’t seeing me so I am just going to say it loud and clear for you. I have had two goals in my life, one is to stop suffering. I haven’t yet figured out how to conquer that one. The other is to take refuge in my happy spot on a daily basis. This one I achieved years ago but that happiness is nothing to me if I can’t share it with you. Do you understand me?
Jessi’s lower lip began to tremble. Why haven’t you ever taken me there, to your happy spot?
Jessi, it’s you! You are my happy spot. I take refuge in you!
Written by Stephanie Cariker
Director at EinR